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30/08/07 : Room 101

I'm not going to tag anyone with this - it's probably something that's been done before anyway - but if anyone wants to have a go, the rules are simple: select 5-10 things that really annoy you then write a bit about why you think they should be consigned to Room 101. Try to have a mixture of serious and not, and avoid obvious things like "murderers and rapists". Here is my selection.

1. Religion. Millions of people trying to restrict the freedoms of others, arguing about what their version of god wants us all to do, killing each other and stuff ... and the thing is, yeah, god doesn't actually exist . . . (this statement usually prompts the response "but you can't disprove there's a god", resulting in me having to point out that I don't have to disprove something that hasn't actually been proven in the first place).

2. Text/chatroom speak. I prefer reading properly constructed sentences rather than strange, almost newspeak-like abbreviations and phrases. The acronyms irritate me too, partly because they tend to be ridiculous exaggerations - I mean, when someone writes ROFLMAO I'm pretty sure they're not actually rolling around on the floor in hysterics. And LOL - laugh out loud - which seems to end every sentence - is just a replacement for the exclamation mark. Which is two characters shorter!

3. Straight across fringes.
Pretty girl, spoilt.
Actually, I think the reason that I don't like this is the fact that it chops the head in half, in a kind of "Look, this section is my hair, that section is my face" way. The first time I saw Sarah she had a straight across fringe and I had to check with someone else as to whether she was a babe or not (she was).

4. Possibly the worst noise in the world is electronic dance music - the type that consists of a fast four-beat bass drum with deeply irritating noises over the top - being played by a neighbour in the middle of the night with the bass turned right up.
When it comes to actual music though, it's country music that annoys me the most. Partly it's the actual sound, particularly the pedal steel guitar whining away in the background. Mostly it's the almost clever way in which depressing lyrics are added to sickly sweet tunes.

5. The Daily Mail. Why do I hate this paper so much? Well . . . it's the hysterical reporting from the floodgates. The spreading of moral panic. Exaggerating "society's ills" then putting the blame on any group of people they find "distasteful". Immigrants for example, who are all potential terrorists and should be sent back to where they came from. Or teenage single mothers, who are all scroungers that deliberately get pregnant because they know they will be provided for and who should have their benefits stopped because that will stop them all having sex in the first place apart from the ones who still do it but they can starve on the streets or perhaps we should build Victorian-style workhouses for them . . .
Basically, it's written for middle aged, middle class, compassionlessly conservative, progress hating right-wing bigots. People who like to start sentences with "bring back" - followed with things that liberal society should be glad to be rid of (hanging, public flogging, national service ...)

6. This might seem petty, but it annoys me when I read something and find the word "there" where it should be "their" or "they're". As the three words mean completely different things, it shows that the person who wrote it just bunged in a word that sounded right without really understanding what they were saying.
It also irritates me when things are repeated to emphasise a point that doesn't need emphasising. "One, single solitary bean" for example. Either there was one bean, or there were a different number of beans. You can't make it "more definitely" one bean by adding two other words that also mean one! I call this the "danger hazard" syndrome, after once seeing a notice being placed by a spillage on a shop floor stating "DANGER! HAZARD!" - so, that means "be careful, because there is something to be careful of"?

7. Aubergines. I once came across some in a pasta dish and, if I hadn't have known otherwise, I would have thought that someone had chopped up a slug and thrown it in the pan. Chunks of sludge with a weird skin around it. And a whole one is even worse when cooked, resembling a giant turd. Yuck!

8. Spiders. Mention to someone that you don't like spiders and they're bound to say either "but they can't hurt you" or "they're more scared of you than you are of them". Well, duh, obviously ... but then phobias aren't rational things. When I was a kid one crawled over my face when I was half asleep in bed, which I suppose it where the fear comes from (although it's more of an extreme revulsion to the hideous creatures than fear).
A flat-mate of mine once kept a tarantula, and that was ok until one day we walked into the front room to find the lid of the spider's tank on the floor next to a sheepish looking cat. This induced a moment of quite extreme panic. We found the thing climbing up the wall, which at least made it easy to capture.

17/10/07 : Shrugging at life

Looking through my old blog I discovered a line that I thought would make a good tagline to this blog (see top). In many ways, it sums me up. Ok, it makes me sound lazy, which I can sometimes be, but there's more to it than that.

I have strong opinions. I have morals. I care about a lot of things - probably more so than most people - but still not enough to take any real action. But unlike most people, I don't pretend to do stuff just to make myself look good. There is of course very little one person can actually do anyway (with most things, I think that governments - who actually have some power - should be doing more, particularly in sorting out big businesses who get away with all kinds of stuff, rather than making individuals feel bad for not "doing their bit").

My main job is physically demanding and I work hard when I'm there, but I'm there for as little time as I can get away with. My boss is there most of the time. At the busiest times he's made himself ill with the stress. He's admitted that, to a degree at least, he missed seeing his kids grow up. He's probably got considerably more money than me, but doesn't have the time to enjoy it. Ok, so he owns a fairly successful company - but so what? It's just a company. It's not something that makes any difference to the world and it's not something that he's going to be remembered for when he's dead. And in order to sell his product, he's got to "care" about stuff which, at the end of the day, is completely trivial. Personally, I think that I'm in the better position.

As for not "doing something with my life" - well, I don't actually know anyone who has done something with their life. I don't know anyone who's done anything to make society a better place. I don't know anyone who's created great works of art for people to enjoy in future centuries. Arselicking your way to the top of some business just so that other people can do it to you isn't my idea of fulfillment.

Shit happens. People screw themselves up worrying about it. I just shrug and think "Oh well". Then have a cup of tea.

25/10/07 : Bod. And stuff.

I used to like the Have your say section on the BBC website. Now it just irritates me. The vast majority of the people who leave comments fall into two categories: the ones that, no matter what the subject is about, manage to do nothing more than complain about the government, liberals, immigrants, single parents, the left-wing conspiracies of the BBC etc. etc. - and the ones that think all of the problems of society could be solved by bringing back hanging, national service . . . . . hold on a sec, these are the same people! [must .. fight .. urge .. to .. start .. rant .. against .. daily mail readers ...]

Anyway, one of the recent subjects was about the "golden age" of kid's TV. For the most part, when people talk about the golden age of anything, they are talking complete bullshit. This is no exception. Some of the old kids programmes are shown in the evening on Nick Jr and they are slow, badly animated and just plain dull.

There is however one exception, which shows that sometimes simplicity is genius. Semi-animated, crudely drawn characters on sparse or non existent backgrounds doing not very much (but doing the not much in that weird 70's spaced out way). The music is just perfect, with each character having their own leitmotif. Enjoy!

Back to the subject of HYS, added to the sidebar: spEak You're bRanes - a blog showing some of the worst of the have your say comments - the sort of things you don't know whether to laugh or cry at.

11/11/07 : Top tunes

More YouTube-ery for your viewing pleasure. I thought some individual songs would show a bit more variety to my musical tastes than the best albums ever I listed previously.

Part two to follow next time I'm sat in a darkened room in front of a computer screen at two in the morning (while I am a bit of an insomniac, I think it's more of a case of my body clock being out of sync with everyone else's. A bit of a bummer if half the week you have to get up at just past four).

Still got the blues - Gary Moore

Don't be fooled into thinking that this is a slightly clichéd, melancholic blues-rock song. Watch until the end and you will see a fusion of human being and guitar. No one has more soul than this guy.

Hit me with your rhythm stick - Ian Dury and the Blockheads

One of the first songs I remember liking as a kid (I would have been 5 or 6 when it came out). Still an amazing song, with more groove than any disco track of the era. I can never understand why this song tends to feature in "songs you're embarrassed to admit you like" lists.

Jump - Van Halen

Simple but perfect peformance-style video. Dave Lee Roth was the ultimate rock god. I'm not gay, but it I was . . .

My baby just cares for me - Nina Simone

Simple, mellow jazz with a great piano solo. Re-released in the 80's (hence the video).

LDN - Lily Allen

Something a little bit more up to date. Cute chick, great song.

Turn it on again - Genesis

Genesis may have "gone pop" by this point, but they've always kept that progressive feel. Another simple performance video.

Love action - Human League

I was seriously into synthpop in the mid 80's, until the rave thing started and I started listening to rock. My favourite band was probably the Pet Shop Boys, but this, from earlier in the decade, is probably more interesting. Known as "the one with the synthesized cat intro".

Lay your hands on me - Bon Jovi

People take the piss out of Bon Jovi a lot, probably because of how they looked in the 80s (when they were at their best). I chose this particular video - recorded at Wembley Stadium, June 25th 1995 - because it's got a seriously cool keyboard and drum intro, and I was there!

UPDATE - forgot this, my favourite song of the last few years.

UPDATE 2 - and how could I have forgotten this?

09/01/08 : Welcome, 2008

I remember one year the queen stated in her Christmas day speech that she had had an "annus horribilis". Something I'm sure she could have got some cream for.

Anyway, the main reason for my lack of blogging in 2007 was that I was having an annus boringis. Not that anything bad happened, and things were fine domestically, it's just that there wasn't much of interest to write about.

So, one of my new years resolutions is to write more often. Even if I'm writing complete crap. Like most other bloggers.

Also I'm going to:

1. be more organised financially
2. throw away - or at least properly sort out - the vast amount of crap that I keep
3. go to the dentist about the tooth that's been knackered for about two years
4. try harder to eat better (more seasonal, local and organic stuff)
5. learn a new programming language (Java perhaps?)
6. either finish or get rid of all the web pages and programs I've started.

Happy new year!

15/01/08 : "Can we have your liver then?"

Searching for something to help Rosie (and Sarah!) get a better understanding of big numbers - something most people don't seem to "get" - I found this video on YouTube. It's about thirty years old and slightly inaccurate in places, but illustrates nicely how much difference adding another zero makes (reminds me of a maths teacher I once had whose favourite expression was "bung a nought in!").

If the increase in distance that the camera pulls back each time doesn't seem like a big deal to you, think of the return journey, where each step is 90% of the total distance back.

Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?

The other thing most people don't seem to have a grasp of is probability. I'm sure this is the reason why so many people believe in gods and other ridiculous things - something happens that is unexpected or an amazing co-incidence and obviously that proves that it's fate, or god did it or something. I once had a friend who couldn't grasp the simple concept that the chances of the four-digit combination on his bike lock being, say, 1 2 3 4 were the same (1 in 9999) as them being 3768 or any other four digit number. Luckily he didn't have anything with a three digit combination which turned out to be 666 because that would obviously have been "a sign".

UPDATE: a similar but more up to date video can be found here.

UPDATE 2: I am ashamed to discover that Sarah didn't get the liver/insignificant reference. Explanation here.

16/01/08 : On nearly being bummed

I said in an earlier post that my "nearly being buggered in the woods" story deserved a post of its own - and here it is, with a bonus story - for there have been two occasions when I have come close to being an unwilling participant in hot man-on-man action.

The first time was at a cottage (public toilet building resembling a small abode in a rural area - see here for the sexual relevance) in Poole Park. Now, female readers may not be aware of this, but there are two unwritten laws of urinal etiquette.

Firstly, position. If there is no one else standing at the urinal (or "trough" as I used to call them) then one must position oneself at the far end. If another person enters and wishes to use the facilities, he must stand at the other end. If a third person enters, then unless the urinal is particularly wide, he must stand around awkwardly - pretending to adjust his clothing, combing his hair etc. - until a space at either end becomes vacant.

The second rule is simple. Under no circumstances do you look anywhere other than straight ahead.

Anyway, I had positioned myself correctly and was about to "go" when another person walked in and, after standing around for a while, walked over to the middle of the urinal. This immediately made me tense up - and I am sure that female readers will be aware that when one is tense, one cannot go. So, I'm standing there, tackle out, not actually doing what one is supposed to do whilst standing at a urinal with one's tackle out, with some guy dangerously close to me, presumably also tackle out but not actually doing what one is supposed to do in such circumstances.

Then, out the corner of my eye, I saw him edge closer. At this point, I realised that not only was I not going to be able to relieve myself but that it would probably be best to leave. I hurriedly zipped myself up (luckily not too hurriedly - otherwise the story could have ended rather more unpleasantly) and turned around to leave. The other guy was practically looming over me.

The second time was rather more sinister. It was a hot night in the middle of summer and I was at the Neptune bar by Boscombe pier. Me and my then pal Jim decided to leave to get some fags (incase any US readers get the wrong idea I should point out that "fags" is UK slang for cigarettes) from a local shop. We took the shortcut through Boscombe gardens, but instead of using the proper path, we cut through a trodden path through one of the wooded areas. As we were walking along I noticed that there was a man standing behind one of the trees, completely motionless. This seemed slightly odd, but we walked on - and then a little further down the path noticed another man stood behind a tree. At this point we began to think that something weird was going on - I found myself saying "misty up here, init?" just for something to say (it was actually misty). Then we noticed more of them - at least ten - all stood like statues behind trees. I remember hearing myself say "... misty up here init ..." out of nervousness. Our pace quickened and we soon caught up with a guy and a girl and asked them what was going on. The bloke simply said "They're gay".

It took a few seconds to work out what he meant. I remember thinking something along the lines of "So what? Why would that have anything to do with why they're all hiding in the woods as if waiting for . . . . . oh shit."

We ran like we had never ran before.

Still, we laughed about it (possibly with an element of hysteria) later.

UPDATE:  googling the words "urinal etiquette" led me to the urinal test . . .

19/01/08 : Tim impresses himself with his typing skills

I think that 65 words per minute (plus two errors) is pretty good for a non office person.

There's something I want to know though. Sarah often goes nun-nights before me, leaving me sat at the computer in the dark. Now, touch typing is about not being distracted by having to look down at the keys right, so, why is it that when it's dark I type at half the speed, make twice as many mistakes and keep having to look down at the keyboard (which I can't actually see anyway)?

13/02/08 : Crashes and bangs

Well, my resolution to blog more often started well . . .

I seem to have picked up some new readers via Sarah. So, hello, welcome, stick around - I'm bound to write something fascinating one day soon.

In the meantime, here's something a little different from my usual musical offerings. This is a poke in the eye to the people who continually market all "classical" music as beautiful, relaxing etc. (Classic FM I'm looking at you).

Go on, just watch it . . . it's only four minutes long . . .

This was from one of last years more interesting proms, featuring a youth orchestra from Venezuela. Apologies for sounding racist, but they're a weird looking bunch who I'd guess spend almost as much on hair gel as instruments. The second half of the concert featured music from Venezuelan composers and they dressed up in traditional costumes. Entertaining, but not what I'd programme after Shostakovich's intense tenth symphony. Still, this performance of the violently dramatic second movement is possibly the best I've heard.

It's a shame there isn't a video of the last bit of the finale, where old Shosty goes around the orchestra defiantly banging out the notes of his initials, almost as if he's metaphorically jumping up and down on Stalin's grave. Fantastic stuff.

Sarah just dismisses it all as "crashes and bangs", the philistine.

10/03/08 : Servers, php, heavy stuff

Bear with me while I sort out the comments and stuff - things aren't working properly since the server this site is on upgraded to php version 5.

In the meantime, here's a little light music.

Actually this is the least "light" of all the music I've got; ultra-tight speed metal band Megadeth when they were at their best (1991 I think, but I can't be bothered to reach for the CD to check). Strangely, this has a lot in common with the Shostakovich on my last post as both have an aggressive, almost violent, energy to them.

I do like "nice" music as well . . .

25/03/08 : Feeling good about food

There has been much discussion in the media recently about battery chickens. The usual argument for is that people on low incomes can't afford anything else. Well, as someone on a low income I thought I'd give an opinion.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a chicken from Tesco. It was free range (although not organic). It was just under 2kg and cost just under £8. I made the following -

Roast chicken for two adults and one child.
Cold chicken for lunch the next day (the best bit - in soft brown rolls with far too much butter).
After removing the remaining meat and making stock out of the carcass I made chicken supreme (chicken, ham, mushrooms, stock/cream sauce, rice) for two adults and one child and, for a light meal the following evening, chicken and vegetable soup (with the last of the stock).

I kinda think that's good value.

Actually I think I'm doing quite well with my resolution to eat less crap. The other day Sarah made a cake (ingredients: self raising flour, sugar, butter, eggs, vanilla extract - less than half the stuff you'll find in anything from the shops) and after all the heavy Easter food and choccy and stuff we decided to have a starter and a dessert instead of a main course in the evening. Sarah made bread - a granary cob (well, a granary splat - though it tasted nice) and I made broccoli soup (don't knock it 'till you've tried it). We followed that with a summer fruit crumble - the fruit was frozen and came from Tesco (we used up the stuff we picked and froze last summer ages ago) but I made the crumble topping and proper custard.

As well as tasting better, I'm sure it's all better for you - and you know exactly what you're eating. It just sort of makes you feel good about stuff in general.

P.S. And anyway, why does anyone have a "right" to have cheap chicken? I mean, good food needs to be available to everyone, but there are other things that can be eaten - what's the thing with cheap chicken? I haven't heard anyone moaning about the lack of cheap fillet steak. Or complaining that Tesco won't add caviar to their value range.

29/04/08 : Happy birthday ...

... to my blog, which is two years old today.

I could use a phrase like "blogaversary", but made up words that don't quite make sense tend to annoy me (like "workaholic" - which presumably is someone who is addicted to workahol?)

45 posts (approx. average - one every 16 days) and 25 comments - not particularly impressive, but then I'm not writing this for any particular reason, it's just something that's sometimes nice to do. I like setting up and designing sites, but maintaining them tends to be a bit of a chore. Still, moving servers has given me a chance to get rid of some of the crap - although I've got lots of stuff to upload or re-write, which should keep me busy - particularly on my other site, which has been rather neglected of late.

01/05/08 : Humph

I shall miss Humphrey Lyttelton, who died last Friday. Not for his skills as a jazz trumpeter, but because a well spoken slightly curmudgeonly old man can make a double-entendre sound so brilliantly filthy - and get away with it.

To be read aloud:

"Samantha is a croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to play roulette all day and poker all night".

Samantha was the silent (i.e. non existent) scorer on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

It sounds best from the man himself of course, so here are a couple of examples (the second one being the best).

[no longer available]

02/06/2008 : Tim's tips of the day

1. When you back up your blog database, it's probably a good idea to save it somewhere safe rather than on the same computer the original database is on (I'm not actually as dumb as I seem here - the backup was incase of a corrupted database, I wasn't actually expecting my processor to melt).

2. Just incase your processor decides to melt, it's best not to have an Acer PC. This is because you wont get a copy of Windows on a disc and the recovery disc you created will not work on with any other hardware. A new processor for example.

Anyway, due to the above I've had a "sod it, I'll do it myself" moment. I wrote this post completely manually, pasting it into the relevant archive and category pages and altering the feed (never tried writing in XML before, but it seems to work).

16/06/2008 : Vagabond Kiss

I came across an old photo album whilst sorting out a cupboard recently. Behold: Vagabond Kiss in early 1996.

(click for bigger)

People still occasionally get to my sites by googling Vagabond Kiss, which always surprises me as we only had local success, split up shortly after the above photo was taken and weren't actually that good.

I'm in the middle, to the left is Johnny (one of three bass players we got through) and to the right is Andy (one of about ten drummers). Gav, now my brother-in-law is at the back and at the front is Jim, the lead singer.

Looking back I think we were actually better when we started out a couple of years earlier. We still had the big choruses but a more unique sound - big chunky guitar chords, tinkley piano, funky bass (from a guy called Luke, not pictured below for some reason I can't remember) and ultra-tight drumming from Jim, who sang lead vocals from behind the drum kit. I can understand why he wanted to get another drummer and be at the front, but none of the other drummers we had were a patch on him.

It was Jim that led us towards the more "80s hair rock" sound we had when photographed above. He was a weird guy really, the sort of person who would be your bestest mate until you disagreed with him over something, which he would take personally as if you have done whatever it was just to piss him off. Totally self-centred and misanthropic (I seem to attract such people) but a pretty good singer and songwriter, and the best rock drummer I've known.

(click for bigger)

UPDATE : Just googled the band myself and found out that some of the former members have "reformed" the band with a female lead singer . . . I wonder if they're doing the same kind of stuff as before or whether they just couldn't be bothered to think of a new name? Seems a bit odd to me.

17/06/2008 : Bush and Blair at the Gay Bar

This has obviously been around for a while; I found it by accident whilst searching for articles on the recent visit of the warmongering chimp boy to the UK.

There is probably a phrase in common use to describe bits of video stuck together over an unrelated song to be funny or make a point. Knowing of such a phrase would make this post rather less messy, but whatever the phrase is, this is a perfect example. I nearly pissed myself anyway.

The song is "Gay Bar" by the brilliantly bizarre Electric Six BTW.

18/07/2008 : Not been stabbed yet

It appears that Dorset has the lowest level of knife crime in the country [ BBC News article ] which means I can now sleep soundly in my bed at night. Unfortunately (and surprisingly) Hampshire fared rather less well in the report, and I live right on the Hampshire border. So, head too far along the good old A31 and I'm likely to be murdered to death by gangs of vicious knife wielding hoodies.

Ok, I'm sure that knife crime is a problem, particularly in some places, but the Daily Mail (who else) claiming that "no part of Britain is safe" is a bit over the top. All of the tabloids are full of scare stories, using figures for knife "incidents" but failing to point out that these figures include domestic accidents.

Still, don't forget to vote for [insert preferred political party here] because they're the people who will take "tough action". Let's just hope we don't all die from bird flu first.

22/07/2008 : Steal EVERYTHING!

This made me smile, although Mr. Rock is actually making a valid point about illegally downloading songs.

Stealing music is hardly new. When I was a kid I used to "tape" - i.e. record onto analogue tape cassettes - stuff from the radio, other people's tapes, CDs if I was lucky, even computer games before disc drives became less expensive. My parents never stopped me or pointed out that it was illegal (and immoral) - in fact I'm sure they did it themselves. As did pretty much everyone else. Yet if I had have walked into my local branch of HMV, picked up the latest hit album and walked out of the shop without paying, it would have somehow been a completely different thing.

In my ideal world however everything would be free. People would only need to work for the minimum amount of time it takes to get everything running (no need to over work to make a profit, no middlemen, pointless competition or corruption) and could just help themselves to whatever they needed. They'd have plenty of free time to make whatever music or art or whatever they wanted, free from the restraints of having to following trends to keep selling their material. There'd be no theft, greed would die out along with most of the other problems in society. Somehow I can't see my utopia becoming a reality.

25/08/08 : Going away - and having to come back

Sarah says that, however much she's enjoyed a holiday, it's a nice feeling to get home at the end. I, however, would prefer to stay on holiday instead of returning to chores and the horror of having to get up in the morning for work and stuff.

To make things worse, we returned to rather crappy weather, making it feel like summer is over and it'll soon be time to go back to school (I left school in 1989 but that feeling never quite goes away).

It's also one of those things where Old Father Time is a complete git. The family (parents, siblings, associated spouses and offspring) decided it would be nice to go back to Jersey (we first went in 2001) about two years ago. Much planning and waiting followed, then we go and a week later we're back home and it's all over.

Still, it was a nice break. Sarah has some pics and stuff here, I might post some myself later.

15/09/08 : Jesus is his friend

This has been posted on a few blogs recently, but I couldn't resist the urge to add it here too. It made me nearly piss myself laughing. Actually, I was still laughing about it the next day.

I always thought that Christian rock was rather an oxymoron, but Christian, I don't know, Ska? It's just embarrassing (presuming it's genuine that is).

BTW, Jesus is NOT my friend. Especially if he's going to try to "touch me down inside".

29/09/08 : September

In some ways, September - the oddest month of the year - is a bit depressing. Summer is over, the days are shorter and the mornings colder. The "back to school" feeling hasn't gone away even though I left school in 1989. And it's the month in which one is terrorised by evil eight-legged monsters.

On the other hand, it's still usually warm and sunny in the daytime (especially at the moment) and the freshness of the air is quite pleasant after the heat of summer (not that there was much in the way of heat this year). And the leaves' swansong of colour is nice to see before the bleakness of winter.

It feels like a time for fresh starts - far more so than in January, which really is a depressing time of year - so I'm going to keep myself busy sorting out my jumbled mess of websites out (which was actually one of my resolutions at the beginning of the year).

My garden, pleasant early autumn day